It's been such a long time since my last post, I apologize! So much has occurred its overwhelming! Since my last post, Aaron WAS granted 20 days home with me to grieve the loss of Aaron Jr and it was very much needed. It was so very hard for him to suffer the loss of our son and to have not been there to hold him and help me through it. He was then shipped back out to the ship to continue his deployment. I am very happy to say he is returning in just a few days! We plan to try for our baby and hope that all works out for us this time. Since the loss of Aaron Jr I had an HSG test to check my uterus for this "supposed" malformation It came back perfect, no malformation. Which leads us back to the infection and cervix causes of our losses. It has been such a journey of ups and downs! Our next pregnancy we will be having a cerclage and looking into other options of the best route for my pregnancy and our baby.
I am proud to announce that God has healed me and the lack of cycles on my own. Since the loss of Aaron Jr I have had 5 cycles on my own, with ovulation proven. I have never had this! Before my angels I had to take meds to cycle and ovulate so in December and January we will be trying on our own for our miracle baby. Please keep us in your prayers as we are far form over in our journey! This however is our last try. If we suffer another loss with a cerclage we will be using a surrogate. We have a set of dear friends (a married couple) with two gorgeous children who have offered to bless us. We would do IVF and place 2 embryos. Hoping for the best. We hope we will be blessed to carry this next baby on our own and full term. But it brings such peace knowing we have this option should grief find us again. We will know this summer if we will have to go this route. I have never made it past 21 weeks in a pregnancy. So if we make it to 25 weeks we will feel elated and trust that things will work out for the best.
I will update you again in January! Sadly we will not be annoucing our next pregnancy until 25 weeks or should we have another loss. We have decided this due to the sadness of having to make sure everyone knows our loss so we don't have to deal with "how is baby doing?" questions. Yes I will be hiding and concealing a pregnancy til almost the third trimester! We love you and hope your Christmas is blessed! Love, The Poplin Family
The Family
Aaron, Amanda, and Ace
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Birth, Loss, and Blessing of Aaron Louis Jr.
Well I guess there is no avoiding the obvious. After the recent loss of Aaron Jr on June 13, 2011 I felt called to share my experience with family, friends, and loved ones. I will say before I get started that some parts may be difficult and there will be a picture of my little angel at the end after the dashes. I completely respect ya'll so I wanted you to feel free to read if you so choose and still be able to choose to see the picture or not.
To begin, as you know Baby Rainbow was our blessing after the storm and loss of our Moriah Pearl in December 2010. We knew our next pregnancy after her loss would be riddled with fear and many check ups- and it was. We began hopefull and things were looking great. We found out we were pregnant in March after an amazing birthday weekend away. (uh-hem) The pregnancy like Moriah's was easy- much easier actually. Despite a few hard days, it was a breeze and around 8 weeks I began to think- BOY. Thats what the wives-tales say ya know... boy pregnancies are much easier- and it was. I was checked often as the cervix was a fear of our previous loss and time and time again the cervix had proven long and strong. Aaron left around my 10-11 week point and I was beginning to feel confident exiting the first risky 12 weeks. I was so sad when Aaron left for his 7 month deployment but I was pregnant and things were well- so I was kept busy. (Read previous blog post about our fears etc). Here I was, pregnant and due around his pull-in date and nervous that something would happen while he was gone. However each doctor appointment I felt more confident and sure that we would have a happy bouncing little one in Nov/Dec. Baby Rainbows due date was Dec 3 Moriah's Heaven Anniversary but changed to Dec 9. As things began to look good I went on vacation around 13 weeks to Washington to see family and attend my cousins wedding. I had a blast and was enjoying my family and on June 8th shortly after Noah's first birthday, my neice Leah Jo was born and I was able to video and par-take in her birth. It was the most beautiful experience and I was of course- brought to tears. Katie is my hero for sure- only 6 hours of labor and 6 minutes of pushing and she was amazing. I was oblivous that in five days I would birth my son just a few rooms away from where Leah was born. A few days before Aaron Jr came I went with my parents to my cousins wedding 5 hours away in Spokane. We had a blast and it was a beautiful ceremony. We were an hour away from town and cell service but other then a slight inconvience talking to hubby, I was in heaven at the Lodge spending time with family.
Sunday night June 12 we arrived back in Olympia and had dinner with Katie and Travis and the kids at their house. We had an amazing dinner and were watching a movie when I had to pee- so up the stairs I went. Normal everything, after I used the potty before standing up- panic hit.... the same "full tampon feeling" quickly came and I yelled for Katie and Mom in the nearby room. Katie peeked her head around the door and I said "Somethings wrong!" And as quickly as Katie and Mom grasped the concept they should come over... POP! My water broke right there over the toilet. I began to think "no, no, no!" I looked down into the toilet and I knew there was no hope to keep baby in as the blood everywhere and water running down my legs slapped my face with reality. Mom ran downstairs to tell the boys I was miscarrying. I could hear my daddy scream "NO!" He ran up the stairs and held me as I continued to cry and hemmorage on the floor. Katie called 911 and told me to lay down on my left side and help was coming. Daddy continued to hold me as I laid on the floor- and as we laid there in the blood on the floor he prayed for me and held me as I cried. I soon sucked it up as I was afraid baby would come with my pushing down on my tummy while crying. As 911 got there daddy got up and out of the way and I felt the need to shove my hand in the toliet feeling around- I knew baby wasnt there as I knew baby would be like Moriah and birth would have to happen but I wanted to be sure as I couldnt see in there. It was so red, I felt nothing. The ambulance got me there in record time- it was the nearest hospital. A cathlolic hospital St. Pete's just down the road. I was rushed in and an ultrasound was done quickly, it showed little Rainbow snug and safe sitting in the uterus but little water- just like Moriah. As it was a catholic hospital they only gave me one option- wait. Wait to birth the baby. They wouldnt do a D & C (a surgery to put me under and clean out my uterus), it would take the baby's life and they dont do that. Baby had a heartbeat and they wouldnt do anything about that. Not that I wanted them to, but we all knew the outcome and I didnt want to birth this baby. I was mortified that baby was a boy. Aaron wanted a boy so bad and I had this feeling baby was. In my weird thinking I wanted a girl- i could lump my baby girl angels together in their place in heaven and I think I could deal with it better. I didnt want to suffer the grief of having a son and granting that to my hubby just to have it ripped away from him. I was a chicken- I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't do it again. I can't believe I was mad they wouldnt take my baby out but my daddy came in and said " I love you honey, but God puts authority over us for a reason and I believe we need to listen to them and not to the surgery" our other option was to transfer hospitals to have the surgery. I love my daddy and when he speaks words into my life I dont take it lightly. I agreed to stay and wait- to birth little Rainbow. The night was rough, I continued to bleed at a heavy/normal rate and passed pieces of placenta. That night I was so afraid to sleep that baby may come and I wouldnt know it, or I would hurt the baby. I got a few hours and was so relieved that dad and mom slept by my side. The next morning the doctor came in and she was amazing. She went to the ethics board and they agreed that inducing me would not hurt or kill the baby- it would just speed the inevitable. I agreed and was given meds to induce contractions. The doctor checked me and said the dreaded words "Your cervix is long hard and closed- it isnt budging" "WHAT?!" I was shocked. I swore it was my cervix giving out again. If it wasn't that what the heck was it? Then I began to cry- only thing I could think of was placenta abruption like last time but the only cause I thought of was my PCOS. It can weaken the placenta and cause this- that was our only other thought if it wasnt my cervix. Bad thing is, you can have 19 pregnancies and if this was PCOS induced it'll happen everytime. Nothing to be done for my future pregnancies. I was devistated.
Approximentally 7 hours after the meds were given I began to bleed badly, so the family and pastor there visiting had just finished a prayer and I asked them to leave. As under my blanket there was something going on underneath. My sister Stephanie and Mom were there and stayed and pulling back the blanket proved major bleeding and I felt pressure to push. The nurse that was there was an angel, she checked me and said ok... your cervix is open- if you feel ready to push- push. Mom had gone out after they pulled back the blanket as she hadnt eaten all day and I said that she should go eat- well I felt bad as I was ready to push and she wasnt there. Steph checked the waiting room and mom had gone to eat. So it was me and my sister Steph. I began to push and passed placental pieces for over 30 minutes. The bleeding was significant. They were ready for the placenta not detaching as its common this early to have that problem. Then the nurse checked me and she said ok- baby is there I can feel baby's feet moving, you need to push baby out now. Counting began and it was difficult, such a small baby should be easy right?! no, they have no weight helping them move down and out so for over 30 minutes I pushed baby out. Legs were out for sometime time before baby was fully born. Then finally little Aaron Jr was born. They were amazing. They cut his cord and wrapped him and handed him to me "baby is beautiful" they said. I looked and yup, boy all the way. I cried so hard I was so happy and so devistated- Aaron was never going to hold his son, not until we reached heaven. I was heartbroken. Quickly it turned to pride and I couldnt help but hold him, inspect him, and snuggle just as I did with Moriah. Nurses were oogiling over him too, precious baby boy they called him. They got his foot-prints and were so dotey. I thought, wow- they love him as I do. They weren't phased for a moment that my baby wasn't full-term, wasn't alive or passing away as we were speaking. They handled him like a fragile angel.
I began wishing I had birthed Moriah here- they would have tried to save her- I KNOW they would have. Their value of live was SO different then the non-catholic hospital back in VA. I should have been much more devistated but I laid there in awe of my son and the nurses love for him, one nurse who had been there from night one (who called me SVEETHEART 'Russian') had come in when she heard baby was here. She came over and kissed my cheek and asked "May I kiss your beautiful son?" I bawled, "of course!" and she did. She began to cry and pray over my angel. I couldnt believe it. This was the most amazing feeling. Mom had come in and held him soon after I had him. "Samuel Lorin?" She asked, then announced. As that was our decided boy name. Samuel means "long awaited-heard of God." I said "NO!" What is his name?" "I dont know but its not that, this death of my baby was not long-awaited or wanted." It didnt fit, at all. I began to think of my husband. He can't hold him, he missed all of this. I wanted him to be here, thats it. "Aaron Louis Poplin II" I said. Mom and Steph crying said "Perfect."
The nurses had long begun to press on my tummy and tried to get the placenta to detach and it wasnt happening. I began to feel sick- wanting to pass out and vomit. I sat up- handed my baby boy to Stephanie and sat up. I began to yell. I was in major pain. Soon I was rushed into the surgery room to have a D & C and the placenta removed. I left the room barely remembering that I had handed Stephanie our baby. I then woke up and was pain free, so much better. The surgery had gone well, and I saw Stephanie. Mom and Steph had amazing news for me. "Your doctor will be in here soon she has amazing news! Your losses were not caused by your cervix or your PCOS, you have a malformed and mis-shapened uterus and with surgery in a few months and it can be fixed. You should have no problem carrying full-term!" I cried, I was so mad that my babies were victims of this but so blessed it can be fixed. A simple hsg could have shown this long ago and I was upset. My doctor said "if you dont do a hsg and are looking for it, no one would have known. Your son and lack of the placenta passing made it possible for me to see this. Your son and daughter have made a way for this to be seen, in four months we will fix your uterus." I was elated!
"Where is my baby? "He is right here"- Steph had held him the whole time. I had daddy come in, and he prayed over us and I said "Daddy- you were right, they were amazing and I wouldnt have held my baby had I not listened to you" he kissed me and went back out. Soon after, I had the chaplain come in and she blessed little Aaron and anointed him and prayed over him, giving me a certificate of 'Life and Blessing' with his name on it. Still over four hours after having him, he was still in my arms. My whole family there had met him and seen him. "He has your nose, like Moriah" they'd say. I didnt want to let him go. It was so different with Moriah. An hour after she was born, many pictures and her measurments later, she went back to the morgue. Here I was holding on tight. Kissing him and I was in complete peace. I then placed him on the baby bed/tray and called the nurse in and said "he can go now." Afterward I realized I had only two pictures of him, no measurements, but I was ok. I had actually held him and loved on him for so long that I hadn't cared about the rest. I had also had a rough surgery that stopped my thoughts mid-point. We had his footprints and his blessing papers- and two pictures and I was in complete peace. (Obviously most know I have over 50 pictures of my little girl, and was so afraid I would miss anything) Maybe this time I was prepared, sadly I was used to this. I had just held him and loved him and all that didnt matter- maybe the amazing love he recieved from the nurse staff and chaplian calmed my spirit. I had nothing to prove- those ladies loved him, and witness his amazing birth and life. Maybe I had felt I needed proof of my daughter, or maybe she was
my first and I had the first time mom nutsy-ness.
I realized so many blessings in spite of all this, I would have never held my son had I hadnt trusted in my daddy and his strong Holy Spirit. I would have never had the love and care for myself and my son had I transfered hospitals. My spirit was taken into consideration due to staying at that hospital- my son was treated like any other child and tear drops were placed on my door to alert others of my situation and to treat us with care. I would have been in the air on my way back to VA and probably died had I had this happen just 24 hours later. In having my son and toughing it out, I was rewarded in finding the cause of my loss and it can be fixed. Despite all of this, my God is still God and He sits on the throne and He has done so much for me.
The following day I was released but it was too soon, my blood count was low but it wasnt apparent just how low until that night while at my parents. Katie brought over the little ones, they were cheering me up but I could hardly hold them and I was feeling very weak. I couldnt go up the stairs and there is not many to go up! I felt ready to pass out and my mom had her eye on me, for as I crawled into bed she came in and said "OK, lets go back- you've looked so pale all day and your sweating." I was and my heart was racing just laying there. We went back and my heartrate was 130s and my BP was 90/50. Bad news, I was dying. My blood levels came back just over 10 and they needed to be in the 30s. I had a long night of being a pin-cushion and resulted in two transfusions. The next morning I was feeling great. I was sent home and I have been very hungry and tired lately but I am much better.
Sadly I have had the Red Cross and and Miltary issues to deal with as they are taking their time letting my hubby come home, and despite having the family here for support... we need each other badly. He more then anything needs to be here to grieve and help me set up the arrangements for little Jr. We are cremating him and putting him in with Moriah in her urn. But his signature is needed and I am having to have paperwork faxed back and forth and its rough. In a few days we should know if they will send him home, and I am praying hard they do. All your love and prayers are needed. I will update you all as soon as I can.
I love you all,
Amanda
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To begin, as you know Baby Rainbow was our blessing after the storm and loss of our Moriah Pearl in December 2010. We knew our next pregnancy after her loss would be riddled with fear and many check ups- and it was. We began hopefull and things were looking great. We found out we were pregnant in March after an amazing birthday weekend away. (uh-hem) The pregnancy like Moriah's was easy- much easier actually. Despite a few hard days, it was a breeze and around 8 weeks I began to think- BOY. Thats what the wives-tales say ya know... boy pregnancies are much easier- and it was. I was checked often as the cervix was a fear of our previous loss and time and time again the cervix had proven long and strong. Aaron left around my 10-11 week point and I was beginning to feel confident exiting the first risky 12 weeks. I was so sad when Aaron left for his 7 month deployment but I was pregnant and things were well- so I was kept busy. (Read previous blog post about our fears etc). Here I was, pregnant and due around his pull-in date and nervous that something would happen while he was gone. However each doctor appointment I felt more confident and sure that we would have a happy bouncing little one in Nov/Dec. Baby Rainbows due date was Dec 3 Moriah's Heaven Anniversary but changed to Dec 9. As things began to look good I went on vacation around 13 weeks to Washington to see family and attend my cousins wedding. I had a blast and was enjoying my family and on June 8th shortly after Noah's first birthday, my neice Leah Jo was born and I was able to video and par-take in her birth. It was the most beautiful experience and I was of course- brought to tears. Katie is my hero for sure- only 6 hours of labor and 6 minutes of pushing and she was amazing. I was oblivous that in five days I would birth my son just a few rooms away from where Leah was born. A few days before Aaron Jr came I went with my parents to my cousins wedding 5 hours away in Spokane. We had a blast and it was a beautiful ceremony. We were an hour away from town and cell service but other then a slight inconvience talking to hubby, I was in heaven at the Lodge spending time with family.
Sunday night June 12 we arrived back in Olympia and had dinner with Katie and Travis and the kids at their house. We had an amazing dinner and were watching a movie when I had to pee- so up the stairs I went. Normal everything, after I used the potty before standing up- panic hit.... the same "full tampon feeling" quickly came and I yelled for Katie and Mom in the nearby room. Katie peeked her head around the door and I said "Somethings wrong!" And as quickly as Katie and Mom grasped the concept they should come over... POP! My water broke right there over the toilet. I began to think "no, no, no!" I looked down into the toilet and I knew there was no hope to keep baby in as the blood everywhere and water running down my legs slapped my face with reality. Mom ran downstairs to tell the boys I was miscarrying. I could hear my daddy scream "NO!" He ran up the stairs and held me as I continued to cry and hemmorage on the floor. Katie called 911 and told me to lay down on my left side and help was coming. Daddy continued to hold me as I laid on the floor- and as we laid there in the blood on the floor he prayed for me and held me as I cried. I soon sucked it up as I was afraid baby would come with my pushing down on my tummy while crying. As 911 got there daddy got up and out of the way and I felt the need to shove my hand in the toliet feeling around- I knew baby wasnt there as I knew baby would be like Moriah and birth would have to happen but I wanted to be sure as I couldnt see in there. It was so red, I felt nothing. The ambulance got me there in record time- it was the nearest hospital. A cathlolic hospital St. Pete's just down the road. I was rushed in and an ultrasound was done quickly, it showed little Rainbow snug and safe sitting in the uterus but little water- just like Moriah. As it was a catholic hospital they only gave me one option- wait. Wait to birth the baby. They wouldnt do a D & C (a surgery to put me under and clean out my uterus), it would take the baby's life and they dont do that. Baby had a heartbeat and they wouldnt do anything about that. Not that I wanted them to, but we all knew the outcome and I didnt want to birth this baby. I was mortified that baby was a boy. Aaron wanted a boy so bad and I had this feeling baby was. In my weird thinking I wanted a girl- i could lump my baby girl angels together in their place in heaven and I think I could deal with it better. I didnt want to suffer the grief of having a son and granting that to my hubby just to have it ripped away from him. I was a chicken- I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't do it again. I can't believe I was mad they wouldnt take my baby out but my daddy came in and said " I love you honey, but God puts authority over us for a reason and I believe we need to listen to them and not to the surgery" our other option was to transfer hospitals to have the surgery. I love my daddy and when he speaks words into my life I dont take it lightly. I agreed to stay and wait- to birth little Rainbow. The night was rough, I continued to bleed at a heavy/normal rate and passed pieces of placenta. That night I was so afraid to sleep that baby may come and I wouldnt know it, or I would hurt the baby. I got a few hours and was so relieved that dad and mom slept by my side. The next morning the doctor came in and she was amazing. She went to the ethics board and they agreed that inducing me would not hurt or kill the baby- it would just speed the inevitable. I agreed and was given meds to induce contractions. The doctor checked me and said the dreaded words "Your cervix is long hard and closed- it isnt budging" "WHAT?!" I was shocked. I swore it was my cervix giving out again. If it wasn't that what the heck was it? Then I began to cry- only thing I could think of was placenta abruption like last time but the only cause I thought of was my PCOS. It can weaken the placenta and cause this- that was our only other thought if it wasnt my cervix. Bad thing is, you can have 19 pregnancies and if this was PCOS induced it'll happen everytime. Nothing to be done for my future pregnancies. I was devistated.
Approximentally 7 hours after the meds were given I began to bleed badly, so the family and pastor there visiting had just finished a prayer and I asked them to leave. As under my blanket there was something going on underneath. My sister Stephanie and Mom were there and stayed and pulling back the blanket proved major bleeding and I felt pressure to push. The nurse that was there was an angel, she checked me and said ok... your cervix is open- if you feel ready to push- push. Mom had gone out after they pulled back the blanket as she hadnt eaten all day and I said that she should go eat- well I felt bad as I was ready to push and she wasnt there. Steph checked the waiting room and mom had gone to eat. So it was me and my sister Steph. I began to push and passed placental pieces for over 30 minutes. The bleeding was significant. They were ready for the placenta not detaching as its common this early to have that problem. Then the nurse checked me and she said ok- baby is there I can feel baby's feet moving, you need to push baby out now. Counting began and it was difficult, such a small baby should be easy right?! no, they have no weight helping them move down and out so for over 30 minutes I pushed baby out. Legs were out for sometime time before baby was fully born. Then finally little Aaron Jr was born. They were amazing. They cut his cord and wrapped him and handed him to me "baby is beautiful" they said. I looked and yup, boy all the way. I cried so hard I was so happy and so devistated- Aaron was never going to hold his son, not until we reached heaven. I was heartbroken. Quickly it turned to pride and I couldnt help but hold him, inspect him, and snuggle just as I did with Moriah. Nurses were oogiling over him too, precious baby boy they called him. They got his foot-prints and were so dotey. I thought, wow- they love him as I do. They weren't phased for a moment that my baby wasn't full-term, wasn't alive or passing away as we were speaking. They handled him like a fragile angel.
I began wishing I had birthed Moriah here- they would have tried to save her- I KNOW they would have. Their value of live was SO different then the non-catholic hospital back in VA. I should have been much more devistated but I laid there in awe of my son and the nurses love for him, one nurse who had been there from night one (who called me SVEETHEART 'Russian') had come in when she heard baby was here. She came over and kissed my cheek and asked "May I kiss your beautiful son?" I bawled, "of course!" and she did. She began to cry and pray over my angel. I couldnt believe it. This was the most amazing feeling. Mom had come in and held him soon after I had him. "Samuel Lorin?" She asked, then announced. As that was our decided boy name. Samuel means "long awaited-heard of God." I said "NO!" What is his name?" "I dont know but its not that, this death of my baby was not long-awaited or wanted." It didnt fit, at all. I began to think of my husband. He can't hold him, he missed all of this. I wanted him to be here, thats it. "Aaron Louis Poplin II" I said. Mom and Steph crying said "Perfect."
The nurses had long begun to press on my tummy and tried to get the placenta to detach and it wasnt happening. I began to feel sick- wanting to pass out and vomit. I sat up- handed my baby boy to Stephanie and sat up. I began to yell. I was in major pain. Soon I was rushed into the surgery room to have a D & C and the placenta removed. I left the room barely remembering that I had handed Stephanie our baby. I then woke up and was pain free, so much better. The surgery had gone well, and I saw Stephanie. Mom and Steph had amazing news for me. "Your doctor will be in here soon she has amazing news! Your losses were not caused by your cervix or your PCOS, you have a malformed and mis-shapened uterus and with surgery in a few months and it can be fixed. You should have no problem carrying full-term!" I cried, I was so mad that my babies were victims of this but so blessed it can be fixed. A simple hsg could have shown this long ago and I was upset. My doctor said "if you dont do a hsg and are looking for it, no one would have known. Your son and lack of the placenta passing made it possible for me to see this. Your son and daughter have made a way for this to be seen, in four months we will fix your uterus." I was elated!
"Where is my baby? "He is right here"- Steph had held him the whole time. I had daddy come in, and he prayed over us and I said "Daddy- you were right, they were amazing and I wouldnt have held my baby had I not listened to you" he kissed me and went back out. Soon after, I had the chaplain come in and she blessed little Aaron and anointed him and prayed over him, giving me a certificate of 'Life and Blessing' with his name on it. Still over four hours after having him, he was still in my arms. My whole family there had met him and seen him. "He has your nose, like Moriah" they'd say. I didnt want to let him go. It was so different with Moriah. An hour after she was born, many pictures and her measurments later, she went back to the morgue. Here I was holding on tight. Kissing him and I was in complete peace. I then placed him on the baby bed/tray and called the nurse in and said "he can go now." Afterward I realized I had only two pictures of him, no measurements, but I was ok. I had actually held him and loved on him for so long that I hadn't cared about the rest. I had also had a rough surgery that stopped my thoughts mid-point. We had his footprints and his blessing papers- and two pictures and I was in complete peace. (Obviously most know I have over 50 pictures of my little girl, and was so afraid I would miss anything) Maybe this time I was prepared, sadly I was used to this. I had just held him and loved him and all that didnt matter- maybe the amazing love he recieved from the nurse staff and chaplian calmed my spirit. I had nothing to prove- those ladies loved him, and witness his amazing birth and life. Maybe I had felt I needed proof of my daughter, or maybe she was
my first and I had the first time mom nutsy-ness.
I realized so many blessings in spite of all this, I would have never held my son had I hadnt trusted in my daddy and his strong Holy Spirit. I would have never had the love and care for myself and my son had I transfered hospitals. My spirit was taken into consideration due to staying at that hospital- my son was treated like any other child and tear drops were placed on my door to alert others of my situation and to treat us with care. I would have been in the air on my way back to VA and probably died had I had this happen just 24 hours later. In having my son and toughing it out, I was rewarded in finding the cause of my loss and it can be fixed. Despite all of this, my God is still God and He sits on the throne and He has done so much for me.
The following day I was released but it was too soon, my blood count was low but it wasnt apparent just how low until that night while at my parents. Katie brought over the little ones, they were cheering me up but I could hardly hold them and I was feeling very weak. I couldnt go up the stairs and there is not many to go up! I felt ready to pass out and my mom had her eye on me, for as I crawled into bed she came in and said "OK, lets go back- you've looked so pale all day and your sweating." I was and my heart was racing just laying there. We went back and my heartrate was 130s and my BP was 90/50. Bad news, I was dying. My blood levels came back just over 10 and they needed to be in the 30s. I had a long night of being a pin-cushion and resulted in two transfusions. The next morning I was feeling great. I was sent home and I have been very hungry and tired lately but I am much better.
Sadly I have had the Red Cross and and Miltary issues to deal with as they are taking their time letting my hubby come home, and despite having the family here for support... we need each other badly. He more then anything needs to be here to grieve and help me set up the arrangements for little Jr. We are cremating him and putting him in with Moriah in her urn. But his signature is needed and I am having to have paperwork faxed back and forth and its rough. In a few days we should know if they will send him home, and I am praying hard they do. All your love and prayers are needed. I will update you all as soon as I can.
I love you all,
Amanda
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Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Progesterone Fun and Vacation to Washington Fun...
Hello ya'll! Thought I would update y'all! :) Aaron's deployment is in full force and already he is miserable, and wants to be home. We are so very grateful that he will be out of the military and we will be headed home back to Washington in July of 2012. I will be able to chat with him a bit over the next month as he will be in ports. Meanwhile while he gets some liberty time off the ship, I'll be headed to Washington in just a few days! June 2-14- I'll be celebrating my nephew Noah's first birthday and hopefully the birth of Leah too! I'll attend my cousin Sarah's wedding with my family too! I was asked to share my testimony of faith and struggle in losing my daughter at church (the church where hubby and I wed) and sing. I will do that June 5 and I am very blessed and nervous. I will sing "When Praise Demands A Sacrifice" by Larnelle Harris. It's truly been my life song lately and speaks of my daughters origin of her name and the importance of praising God no matter what our circumstances. I hope to be a support and encouragement to others.
Well I am in my 12th week of pregnancy and will be headed into the second trimester as I head off on vacation. I am really excited! Our last appointment showed that Baby Rainbow attached lower in my uterus so the placenta is low-lying. Its very common and over 90% of cases found in the first-trimester correct themselves by 28 weeks, if it doesn't then its called placenta-previa. If that is the case I will need a C-Section at 36/37 weeks to avoid bleeding out. Of course we are praying that over the next few months our bi-weekly ultrasounds will show it correcting! We have an appointment and ultrasound May 31 to check baby, placenta, and cervix. I am currently on a once a day vaginal progesterone gel, it causes major headaches so I use it before bed so I sleep through it. It been amazing as I have had no bleeding or early trimester issues like I did with Moriah. The injections will begin after my vacation and will be done once a week so that will be much more convenient!
I am also quitting my job in Suffolk as of this week, so when I return from my vacation I'll be helping watch my friends new-born while she works part-time. Can this be anymore me? I'll be in my cups, as well as not driving an hour each way to work! I have plans to bust my butt before vacation and get the cleaning done that I've let go these last few months, feeling ill and spending time with hubby.
Ill be sure to update after our appointment next week! May your day be blessed, God Bless! ~
Well I am in my 12th week of pregnancy and will be headed into the second trimester as I head off on vacation. I am really excited! Our last appointment showed that Baby Rainbow attached lower in my uterus so the placenta is low-lying. Its very common and over 90% of cases found in the first-trimester correct themselves by 28 weeks, if it doesn't then its called placenta-previa. If that is the case I will need a C-Section at 36/37 weeks to avoid bleeding out. Of course we are praying that over the next few months our bi-weekly ultrasounds will show it correcting! We have an appointment and ultrasound May 31 to check baby, placenta, and cervix. I am currently on a once a day vaginal progesterone gel, it causes major headaches so I use it before bed so I sleep through it. It been amazing as I have had no bleeding or early trimester issues like I did with Moriah. The injections will begin after my vacation and will be done once a week so that will be much more convenient!
I am also quitting my job in Suffolk as of this week, so when I return from my vacation I'll be helping watch my friends new-born while she works part-time. Can this be anymore me? I'll be in my cups, as well as not driving an hour each way to work! I have plans to bust my butt before vacation and get the cleaning done that I've let go these last few months, feeling ill and spending time with hubby.
Ill be sure to update after our appointment next week! May your day be blessed, God Bless! ~
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Our Rainbow Baby: Update, feelings, and upcoming events
Hello All! Its been quite sometime since I have updated. Thanks to a dear friend who mentioned how awesome I am at it, was I prompted to keep up with it!
We are currently pregnant again! Our Rainbow baby is due December 9, 2011 (baby was originally due on Moriah's birthday December 3). Of course we are over the moon and extremely terrified. After the loss of our dear angel we are plagued with the fear of pre-term labor and the loss of this miracle. On top of everything, I am alone. Aaron was deployed May 11, 2011 for seven months, due back in December. More then likely he will miss the birth of our miracle. But even more honestly- my heart fears of a loss I will have to endure without him, a loss we will both have to endure separately. He would never get to hold our miracle or see him/her for himself if anything should happen. I am absolutely terrified of that. I often pray "O.K God, here is your chance to show everyone you work miracles, everyones watching us and following this journey- it your chance to win hearts over to you. O.K God, I'm all alone here. Follow through for us and this miracle- you blessed us once again you can do anything. For my husbands sake alone (take me out of it) he has to see a happy baby when he returns. We can't lose baby again and be apart." I am often terrified of baby being a boy. Aaron has wanted a little man for quite some time and I am so scared i'll find out baby is a boy, no pressure. Aaron was so upset losing Moriah, I can't imagine him doing any better with losing a son. Just bearing my soul for you all here... Each day is a trusting faith filled journey! Doctor and I have a plan and progesterone injections weekly and bi-weekly cervix checks are the plan starting in two weeks.
A vacation is soon to come, June 2-13 I will be heading home to see my lovely family and attend my cousins wedding. I will be back in time to make my routine 2 week check-ups throughout the second trimester. End of June early July brings us to finding out the sex of baby :)
So much is going on, and I am really overjoyed to have been given such blessings! Despite the massive fear, my heart is full of faith and prayer for our crazy future headed for us before the years out!
We are currently pregnant again! Our Rainbow baby is due December 9, 2011 (baby was originally due on Moriah's birthday December 3). Of course we are over the moon and extremely terrified. After the loss of our dear angel we are plagued with the fear of pre-term labor and the loss of this miracle. On top of everything, I am alone. Aaron was deployed May 11, 2011 for seven months, due back in December. More then likely he will miss the birth of our miracle. But even more honestly- my heart fears of a loss I will have to endure without him, a loss we will both have to endure separately. He would never get to hold our miracle or see him/her for himself if anything should happen. I am absolutely terrified of that. I often pray "O.K God, here is your chance to show everyone you work miracles, everyones watching us and following this journey- it your chance to win hearts over to you. O.K God, I'm all alone here. Follow through for us and this miracle- you blessed us once again you can do anything. For my husbands sake alone (take me out of it) he has to see a happy baby when he returns. We can't lose baby again and be apart." I am often terrified of baby being a boy. Aaron has wanted a little man for quite some time and I am so scared i'll find out baby is a boy, no pressure. Aaron was so upset losing Moriah, I can't imagine him doing any better with losing a son. Just bearing my soul for you all here... Each day is a trusting faith filled journey! Doctor and I have a plan and progesterone injections weekly and bi-weekly cervix checks are the plan starting in two weeks.
A vacation is soon to come, June 2-13 I will be heading home to see my lovely family and attend my cousins wedding. I will be back in time to make my routine 2 week check-ups throughout the second trimester. End of June early July brings us to finding out the sex of baby :)
So much is going on, and I am really overjoyed to have been given such blessings! Despite the massive fear, my heart is full of faith and prayer for our crazy future headed for us before the years out!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Amazing day!
Today I had an OBGYN appointment with my amazing doctor- Dr. Khan. He delivered Moriah. He was so kind and optimistic about the hopes of another baby it was contagious. He asked if we were trying again, I told him yes and this big smile beamed across his face. "Good, you deserve a baby and we have a game plan for you!" At 14 weeks I will receive a ultrasound every 10-14 days- to check the baby and my cervix. If anything about the cervix changes I will be getting a stitch. At the 14 week mark I will be also receiving progesterone shots as often as they can give them to me whether the cervix changes or not- that is a for sure plan. The appointment he has checked me and all is a go! Aaron had mentioned trying again before I did. The pregnancy became real for him the moment he held her. Often times thats when dad's become dad's. Mom become moms when their pee stick comes back positive lol. Its often hard for them when the baby isn't growing, moving, and kicking in them to feel the connection or bonding. However- looking into Aaron's eyes as he held his little girl, I knew then he was a different man from that point on, she changed him for the better. As soon as I had gotten through a week without bawling at the mention of her name, he held my hand and said "We should try again, when you can. We need to keep the faith and try before my deployment in hopes of getting our baby so when I get back you will be ending your pregnancy." It was a hard thought for me, but in my heart I knew he was right. The longer we sit with fear- the easier it will be to stay completely in that fear. We know the worries and fear and massive prayers that will be included in our next pregnancy but I now have a peace about trying again. I am also at peace with the fact we may not conceive before Aaron deploys, and that is ok. :) We will try at the end of the year when he returns.
On the way home form the appointment today, the March of Dimes gal called me and it was an amazing conversation. She had experienced loss too as well. A beautiful baby came too soon for her at 22 weeks. I am excited to meet her at the Kick Off Breakfast for March Of Dimes Feb 24th, and possibly share my story with the March of Dimes walkers on the walk day. I have asked to share my story if they needed it and its a good possibility. All that I can do to help, I will do! God has put an amazing peace in my heart and soul and I believe the best is yet to come for our family!
On the way home form the appointment today, the March of Dimes gal called me and it was an amazing conversation. She had experienced loss too as well. A beautiful baby came too soon for her at 22 weeks. I am excited to meet her at the Kick Off Breakfast for March Of Dimes Feb 24th, and possibly share my story with the March of Dimes walkers on the walk day. I have asked to share my story if they needed it and its a good possibility. All that I can do to help, I will do! God has put an amazing peace in my heart and soul and I believe the best is yet to come for our family!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Moriahs FULL story~
Nov 30th, 2010
Last night Amanda's cervix decided it couldn't hold Moriah anymore! Her membranes prolapsed, but we were able to get them semi back in and get Amanda to the hospital. Right now we are trying to keep Moriah in as long as possible! But we know how wonderful the power of prayer is and we need as many as we can get. We are at a waiting game to see what will happen next. Amanda remains in the hospital and is trying everything she can to keep Moriah in! Please pray!!!
Dec 1 , 2010
Well today started off GREAT!! No contractions and Amanda was in great spirits. At about 12:30 Amanda started getting increasing pain on her right side and contractions started again. They continue to give her meds to stop the contractions around the clock since she has been in the hospital. At first they thought maybe she might be having an appendix problem. They did some labs and found out that there is no infection anywhere in her body. So we kind of ruled out an appendix problem. After talking to the doctor we think it might be gas. They have put Amanda on gas X to see if it helps. At 7:00pm tonight the contractions had stopped and Moriah is still inside kicking and heartbeating at 155. We are 20 weeks and 4 days by our calculations, but by the last sono (done on 11/22/2010) Moriah is measuring 21 wks already. Which is great news! Please continue to pray for us as we go through this rough time. Pray that we can keep the positive thinking up and the frustration down!
Dec 3, 2010 Moriah's Birth
Last night Amanda's cervix decided it couldn't hold Moriah anymore! Her membranes prolapsed, but we were able to get them semi back in and get Amanda to the hospital. Right now we are trying to keep Moriah in as long as possible! But we know how wonderful the power of prayer is and we need as many as we can get. We are at a waiting game to see what will happen next. Amanda remains in the hospital and is trying everything she can to keep Moriah in! Please pray!!!
Doctor came in about an hour ago and talked to us! Amanda will be in the hospital head down for the next 2-3 or more weeks. The next 3 days are very critical for us! We are hoping and praying that the uterus calms down and the membranes continue to go back in. Amanda does have some bleeding, but that is due to the trauma to the cervix from last night. Moriah weighs 300 grams right now and needs to be 400 grams to be a viable baby. If we get to 500 + grams we are GOLDEN!!!! Moriah is doing great. She is kicking and moving around with a heart rate of 162. Which is GREAT!!!
Amanda is on meds to stop contractions and is only having a few right now. Nothing like last night! They usually happen once Amanda eats and Moriah is getting her food. :) Please pray that Amanda can with stand being on complete bedrest (not even allowed to get up and pee) for the next 3 weeks to get us to where we need to be to have a whole new outlook and ballgame to play. So, we are on bedrest for 2-3 weeks with Amanda's head down. After 2-3 weeks we will re-assess and maybe stitch the cervix closed at that point. It is to high risk to do now!
Continue to pray and we will continue to keep you updated on our progress! God Bless!!!!
Dec 1 , 2010
Well today started off GREAT!! No contractions and Amanda was in great spirits. At about 12:30 Amanda started getting increasing pain on her right side and contractions started again. They continue to give her meds to stop the contractions around the clock since she has been in the hospital. At first they thought maybe she might be having an appendix problem. They did some labs and found out that there is no infection anywhere in her body. So we kind of ruled out an appendix problem. After talking to the doctor we think it might be gas. They have put Amanda on gas X to see if it helps. At 7:00pm tonight the contractions had stopped and Moriah is still inside kicking and heartbeating at 155. We are 20 weeks and 4 days by our calculations, but by the last sono (done on 11/22/2010) Moriah is measuring 21 wks already. Which is great news! Please continue to pray for us as we go through this rough time. Pray that we can keep the positive thinking up and the frustration down!
Dec 3, 2010 Moriah's Birth
Today started off really well with no contractions and small bleeding. I was able to use the restroom alot and my tummy began to feel better. Round 1 pm I began to get a headache that became o unbearable I had to have anti-nausea for I felt like vomiting. The medicine given hardly touched it. Mid afternoon I and my nurses noticed a much increase in my bleeding to a point of massive concern. Despite this I had made so much progress they moved me from Labor and Delivery to a more permenant more comfy home room. But after the move and transfer to the new bed, an hour later I had horrible contractions and pressure below. I knew something was wrong, was it all the restroom trips to the bedpan or the slight adjustment to the new bed? Doctor rushed in with the ultrasound machine to find it was neither any of those things but a slow leak of amniotic fluid as the us showed babys sac almost empty and her legs and feet in my birth canal already causing my labor. Around 8 pm I had to have the nurse call the doctor in and after two doses (my max) of staydol and antinauseait still wasnt touching my pain. I was sure that it was it, and it was. Everyone around me didnt want to believe me and had so much hope and I felt so bad as I knew what my body was telling me and I had accepted that baby had moved down and it felt like pushing. They rolled me back to Labor and Delivery and there I began the labor process, Aaron was a lot of help but I could see the fear inside. Tosha arrived helping me breathe as JAN was when my classes were I was clueless. Boy oh boy, it stunk. I began after about 40 minutes of strong labor asking for the epidural kinda feel dumb as baby was so small but I was so sad about everything I wanted to be comfortable as possible too. The guy got the tube in but not the drugs as Moriah came out right before hand, I was able to make through before the epi. I was in shock, she was here- long before ready. All the pushing and pain, and now she was here. I was scared, I looked at Aaron and saw the happiness yet the words "shes so small" then sadness and tears. I wanted to see her right away. She was so amazingly beautiful and so stinking tiny. I was so happy but was told by NICU there was nothing and I knew that before tellling me, she was the size of my hand. She was alive and pink, moving and kicking smaking her mouth in my arms for over 40 mintues. I cried, was in awe of her, and loved her more then life. She began to grow colder and colder then ceased to move. So they took her to the morge where tomorrow we find a local funeral home for we have decided to cremate her as VA is not our home and we had a vacation plain back to WA Dec 29 that we now find more then necessary to keep now. We will buy a pretty llittle urn for her and her small ashes im assuming to sprinkle them in Daddy's own made waterfall in the backyard in Tumwater, WA where our Engagement Photos were taken. The rest to be kept at home in her own room.
RIP Moriah Pearl Poplin Daddy and I love and miss you already. I will always remember kissing you goodbye. XOXO
I will neverforget the priveledge I received to watch that beautful life enter this world and be there to watch her join my Jesus- many parents never recieve that joy and pain
Moriah Pearl Poplin
Born: 12/3/10 at 855pm Passed on: 12/3/10 at 9:37 21 weeks old to the day
PSALMS 34:19
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