Well I guess there is no avoiding the obvious. After the recent loss of Aaron Jr on June 13, 2011 I felt called to share my experience with family, friends, and loved ones. I will say before I get started that some parts may be difficult and there will be a picture of my little angel at the end after the dashes. I completely respect ya'll so I wanted you to feel free to read if you so choose and still be able to choose to see the picture or not.
To begin, as you know Baby Rainbow was our blessing after the storm and loss of our Moriah Pearl in December 2010. We knew our next pregnancy after her loss would be riddled with fear and many check ups- and it was. We began hopefull and things were looking great. We found out we were pregnant in March after an amazing birthday weekend away. (uh-hem) The pregnancy like Moriah's was easy- much easier actually. Despite a few hard days, it was a breeze and around 8 weeks I began to think- BOY. Thats what the wives-tales say ya know... boy pregnancies are much easier- and it was. I was checked often as the cervix was a fear of our previous loss and time and time again the cervix had proven long and strong. Aaron left around my 10-11 week point and I was beginning to feel confident exiting the first risky 12 weeks. I was so sad when Aaron left for his 7 month deployment but I was pregnant and things were well- so I was kept busy. (Read previous blog post about our fears etc). Here I was, pregnant and due around his pull-in date and nervous that something would happen while he was gone. However each doctor appointment I felt more confident and sure that we would have a happy bouncing little one in Nov/Dec. Baby Rainbows due date was Dec 3 Moriah's Heaven Anniversary but changed to Dec 9. As things began to look good I went on vacation around 13 weeks to Washington to see family and attend my cousins wedding. I had a blast and was enjoying my family and on June 8th shortly after Noah's first birthday, my neice Leah Jo was born and I was able to video and par-take in her birth. It was the most beautiful experience and I was of course- brought to tears. Katie is my hero for sure- only 6 hours of labor and 6 minutes of pushing and she was amazing. I was oblivous that in five days I would birth my son just a few rooms away from where Leah was born. A few days before Aaron Jr came I went with my parents to my cousins wedding 5 hours away in Spokane. We had a blast and it was a beautiful ceremony. We were an hour away from town and cell service but other then a slight inconvience talking to hubby, I was in heaven at the Lodge spending time with family.
Sunday night June 12 we arrived back in Olympia and had dinner with Katie and Travis and the kids at their house. We had an amazing dinner and were watching a movie when I had to pee- so up the stairs I went. Normal everything, after I used the potty before standing up- panic hit.... the same "full tampon feeling" quickly came and I yelled for Katie and Mom in the nearby room. Katie peeked her head around the door and I said "Somethings wrong!" And as quickly as Katie and Mom grasped the concept they should come over... POP! My water broke right there over the toilet. I began to think "no, no, no!" I looked down into the toilet and I knew there was no hope to keep baby in as the blood everywhere and water running down my legs slapped my face with reality. Mom ran downstairs to tell the boys I was miscarrying. I could hear my daddy scream "NO!" He ran up the stairs and held me as I continued to cry and hemmorage on the floor. Katie called 911 and told me to lay down on my left side and help was coming. Daddy continued to hold me as I laid on the floor- and as we laid there in the blood on the floor he prayed for me and held me as I cried. I soon sucked it up as I was afraid baby would come with my pushing down on my tummy while crying. As 911 got there daddy got up and out of the way and I felt the need to shove my hand in the toliet feeling around- I knew baby wasnt there as I knew baby would be like Moriah and birth would have to happen but I wanted to be sure as I couldnt see in there. It was so red, I felt nothing. The ambulance got me there in record time- it was the nearest hospital. A cathlolic hospital St. Pete's just down the road. I was rushed in and an ultrasound was done quickly, it showed little Rainbow snug and safe sitting in the uterus but little water- just like Moriah. As it was a catholic hospital they only gave me one option- wait. Wait to birth the baby. They wouldnt do a D & C (a surgery to put me under and clean out my uterus), it would take the baby's life and they dont do that. Baby had a heartbeat and they wouldnt do anything about that. Not that I wanted them to, but we all knew the outcome and I didnt want to birth this baby. I was mortified that baby was a boy. Aaron wanted a boy so bad and I had this feeling baby was. In my weird thinking I wanted a girl- i could lump my baby girl angels together in their place in heaven and I think I could deal with it better. I didnt want to suffer the grief of having a son and granting that to my hubby just to have it ripped away from him. I was a chicken- I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't do it again. I can't believe I was mad they wouldnt take my baby out but my daddy came in and said " I love you honey, but God puts authority over us for a reason and I believe we need to listen to them and not to the surgery" our other option was to transfer hospitals to have the surgery. I love my daddy and when he speaks words into my life I dont take it lightly. I agreed to stay and wait- to birth little Rainbow. The night was rough, I continued to bleed at a heavy/normal rate and passed pieces of placenta. That night I was so afraid to sleep that baby may come and I wouldnt know it, or I would hurt the baby. I got a few hours and was so relieved that dad and mom slept by my side. The next morning the doctor came in and she was amazing. She went to the ethics board and they agreed that inducing me would not hurt or kill the baby- it would just speed the inevitable. I agreed and was given meds to induce contractions. The doctor checked me and said the dreaded words "Your cervix is long hard and closed- it isnt budging" "WHAT?!" I was shocked. I swore it was my cervix giving out again. If it wasn't that what the heck was it? Then I began to cry- only thing I could think of was placenta abruption like last time but the only cause I thought of was my PCOS. It can weaken the placenta and cause this- that was our only other thought if it wasnt my cervix. Bad thing is, you can have 19 pregnancies and if this was PCOS induced it'll happen everytime. Nothing to be done for my future pregnancies. I was devistated.
Approximentally 7 hours after the meds were given I began to bleed badly, so the family and pastor there visiting had just finished a prayer and I asked them to leave. As under my blanket there was something going on underneath. My sister Stephanie and Mom were there and stayed and pulling back the blanket proved major bleeding and I felt pressure to push. The nurse that was there was an angel, she checked me and said ok... your cervix is open- if you feel ready to push- push. Mom had gone out after they pulled back the blanket as she hadnt eaten all day and I said that she should go eat- well I felt bad as I was ready to push and she wasnt there. Steph checked the waiting room and mom had gone to eat. So it was me and my sister Steph. I began to push and passed placental pieces for over 30 minutes. The bleeding was significant. They were ready for the placenta not detaching as its common this early to have that problem. Then the nurse checked me and she said ok- baby is there I can feel baby's feet moving, you need to push baby out now. Counting began and it was difficult, such a small baby should be easy right?! no, they have no weight helping them move down and out so for over 30 minutes I pushed baby out. Legs were out for sometime time before baby was fully born. Then finally little Aaron Jr was born. They were amazing. They cut his cord and wrapped him and handed him to me "baby is beautiful" they said. I looked and yup, boy all the way. I cried so hard I was so happy and so devistated- Aaron was never going to hold his son, not until we reached heaven. I was heartbroken. Quickly it turned to pride and I couldnt help but hold him, inspect him, and snuggle just as I did with Moriah. Nurses were oogiling over him too, precious baby boy they called him. They got his foot-prints and were so dotey. I thought, wow- they love him as I do. They weren't phased for a moment that my baby wasn't full-term, wasn't alive or passing away as we were speaking. They handled him like a fragile angel.
I began wishing I had birthed Moriah here- they would have tried to save her- I KNOW they would have. Their value of live was SO different then the non-catholic hospital back in VA. I should have been much more devistated but I laid there in awe of my son and the nurses love for him, one nurse who had been there from night one (who called me SVEETHEART 'Russian') had come in when she heard baby was here. She came over and kissed my cheek and asked "May I kiss your beautiful son?" I bawled, "of course!" and she did. She began to cry and pray over my angel. I couldnt believe it. This was the most amazing feeling. Mom had come in and held him soon after I had him. "Samuel Lorin?" She asked, then announced. As that was our decided boy name. Samuel means "long awaited-heard of God." I said "NO!" What is his name?" "I dont know but its not that, this death of my baby was not long-awaited or wanted." It didnt fit, at all. I began to think of my husband. He can't hold him, he missed all of this. I wanted him to be here, thats it. "Aaron Louis Poplin II" I said. Mom and Steph crying said "Perfect."
The nurses had long begun to press on my tummy and tried to get the placenta to detach and it wasnt happening. I began to feel sick- wanting to pass out and vomit. I sat up- handed my baby boy to Stephanie and sat up. I began to yell. I was in major pain. Soon I was rushed into the surgery room to have a D & C and the placenta removed. I left the room barely remembering that I had handed Stephanie our baby. I then woke up and was pain free, so much better. The surgery had gone well, and I saw Stephanie. Mom and Steph had amazing news for me. "Your doctor will be in here soon she has amazing news! Your losses were not caused by your cervix or your PCOS, you have a malformed and mis-shapened uterus and with surgery in a few months and it can be fixed. You should have no problem carrying full-term!" I cried, I was so mad that my babies were victims of this but so blessed it can be fixed. A simple hsg could have shown this long ago and I was upset. My doctor said "if you dont do a hsg and are looking for it, no one would have known. Your son and lack of the placenta passing made it possible for me to see this. Your son and daughter have made a way for this to be seen, in four months we will fix your uterus." I was elated!
"Where is my baby? "He is right here"- Steph had held him the whole time. I had daddy come in, and he prayed over us and I said "Daddy- you were right, they were amazing and I wouldnt have held my baby had I not listened to you" he kissed me and went back out. Soon after, I had the chaplain come in and she blessed little Aaron and anointed him and prayed over him, giving me a certificate of 'Life and Blessing' with his name on it. Still over four hours after having him, he was still in my arms. My whole family there had met him and seen him. "He has your nose, like Moriah" they'd say. I didnt want to let him go. It was so different with Moriah. An hour after she was born, many pictures and her measurments later, she went back to the morgue. Here I was holding on tight. Kissing him and I was in complete peace. I then placed him on the baby bed/tray and called the nurse in and said "he can go now." Afterward I realized I had only two pictures of him, no measurements, but I was ok. I had actually held him and loved on him for so long that I hadn't cared about the rest. I had also had a rough surgery that stopped my thoughts mid-point. We had his footprints and his blessing papers- and two pictures and I was in complete peace. (Obviously most know I have over 50 pictures of my little girl, and was so afraid I would miss anything) Maybe this time I was prepared, sadly I was used to this. I had just held him and loved him and all that didnt matter- maybe the amazing love he recieved from the nurse staff and chaplian calmed my spirit. I had nothing to prove- those ladies loved him, and witness his amazing birth and life. Maybe I had felt I needed proof of my daughter, or maybe she was
my first and I had the first time mom nutsy-ness.
I realized so many blessings in spite of all this, I would have never held my son had I hadnt trusted in my daddy and his strong Holy Spirit. I would have never had the love and care for myself and my son had I transfered hospitals. My spirit was taken into consideration due to staying at that hospital- my son was treated like any other child and tear drops were placed on my door to alert others of my situation and to treat us with care. I would have been in the air on my way back to VA and probably died had I had this happen just 24 hours later. In having my son and toughing it out, I was rewarded in finding the cause of my loss and it can be fixed. Despite all of this, my God is still God and He sits on the throne and He has done so much for me.
The following day I was released but it was too soon, my blood count was low but it wasnt apparent just how low until that night while at my parents. Katie brought over the little ones, they were cheering me up but I could hardly hold them and I was feeling very weak. I couldnt go up the stairs and there is not many to go up! I felt ready to pass out and my mom had her eye on me, for as I crawled into bed she came in and said "OK, lets go back- you've looked so pale all day and your sweating." I was and my heart was racing just laying there. We went back and my heartrate was 130s and my BP was 90/50. Bad news, I was dying. My blood levels came back just over 10 and they needed to be in the 30s. I had a long night of being a pin-cushion and resulted in two transfusions. The next morning I was feeling great. I was sent home and I have been very hungry and tired lately but I am much better.
Sadly I have had the Red Cross and and Miltary issues to deal with as they are taking their time letting my hubby come home, and despite having the family here for support... we need each other badly. He more then anything needs to be here to grieve and help me set up the arrangements for little Jr. We are cremating him and putting him in with Moriah in her urn. But his signature is needed and I am having to have paperwork faxed back and forth and its rough. In a few days we should know if they will send him home, and I am praying hard they do. All your love and prayers are needed. I will update you all as soon as I can.
I love you all,